The Four Stages of Grief — Bowlby and Parkes

Grief is one of the most universal human experiences — and yet it can feel completely isolating when you are in the middle of it. One of the things that helps most people is understanding that what they are going through has a shape. Not a rigid path, but a recognisable process.

British psychologists John Bowlby and Colin Murray Parkes were among the first to describe the four stages of grief, drawing on decades of research into bereavement and attachment. While the five stages model of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is more widely known today — particularly in the United States — the Bowlby and Parkes framework remains an important and practical way of understanding grief, and one I return to regularly in my work with clients.

Shock and Numbness

In the immediate aftermath of a loss, many people describe feeling numb — as though the reality of what has happened hasn’t yet fully landed. This is not denial, and it is not weakness. It is the mind and body’s way of absorbing something almost too large to take in all at once. You may go through the practical necessities of the days after a death feeling strangely detached. This is normal.

Yearning and Searching

As the numbness begins to lift, many bereaved people experience an intense longing for the person they have lost. You may find yourself listening for a familiar sound, turning to say something to someone who is no longer there, or dreaming vividly of them. This stage is often accompanied by sadness, loneliness, and a deep wish that things were different.

Disorganisation and Despair

This is often the hardest stage to sit with. The early busyness of bereavement has passed, and the reality of the loss settles in. You may feel unmotivated, withdrawn, or hopeless. Ordinary tasks can feel pointless. This stage can look like depression from the outside — and sometimes it tips into depression — but it is also a necessary part of grief. It is where the real work of adapting begins.

Reorganisation and Recovery

Gradually — and not in a straight line — a new reality begins to take shape. You are not “over” your loss, and you may never be. But you begin to find ways to carry it. Meaning starts to return. Daily life becomes possible again, and eventually something more than possible.

Grief does not follow a timetable

I want to be clear about something that I think matters enormously: these stages are not a sequence you move through once, in order, and complete. Grief circles back. You may find yourself deep in yearning months after a period of relative stability. You may skip a stage entirely, or move through it so quickly you barely notice it.

What the stages offer is not a map of where you should be — but a language for where you are. When you can name what you are experiencing, it becomes a little less frightening.

Grief is unique to everyone. You will grieve in your own way and at your own pace. There is no right or wrong way to do it. What matters is that you are not alone in it.

A note on other grief models

The Bowlby and Parkes model is one of several frameworks I draw on. J. William Worden’s four tasks of mourning takes a different approach — focusing on what the bereaved person actively does, rather than what they experience. If you are interested in that perspective, you can read more in my post on the four tasks of mourning.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance — are perhaps the most widely recognised model, and I have written about those separately too [link to five stages post when built].

No single model captures everything. I use whichever framework seems most useful for the person in front of me.

If you would like to talk about where you are in your grief, I’m here → Contact