The Five Stages of Grief — Kübler-Ross and Kessler

The five stages of grief are perhaps the most widely recognised framework for understanding what happens after a significant loss. Developed by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, they have helped millions of people find language for experiences that can otherwise feel overwhelming and formless.

I have great respect for Kübler-Ross. She was born in Switzerland in 1926 and devoted her career to understanding death, dying, and grief. I have read widely in her work and draw on her ideas regularly in my practice.

Denial

This cannot be happening to me. In the early days of loss, it is common to feel that the reality hasn’t fully landed. The mind protects itself by absorbing the truth gradually rather than all at once.

Anger

Why is this happening? Who is to blame? Anger is one of the most misunderstood aspects of grief. It can be directed at the person who died, at doctors, at yourself, or at nothing in particular. It is real, it is valid, and it needs somewhere to go.

Bargaining

If only I had done something differently… Bargaining is closely tied to guilt and the desperate wish to regain control. “What if I had called sooner?” “If only we had taken that holiday.” These thoughts are a normal part of grief, not a sign that something is wrong.

Depression

I am too sad to do anything. This is grief settling in. The busyness of early bereavement passes, and the full weight of the loss becomes present. This stage can look like clinical depression, and sometimes it tips into it — but it is also where the real work of adapting begins.

Acceptance

I am finding a way to carry this. Acceptance does not mean you are over your loss. It means you are beginning to integrate it — to live alongside it rather than only inside it.

David Kessler and the sixth stage

David Kessler, who collaborated with Kübler-Ross on their book On Grief and Grieving, has since proposed a sixth stage: Finding Meaning. This is the idea that grief can, over time, be transformed into something more purposeful — not by diminishing the loss, but by allowing it to shape who you become. It is a hopeful addition to the model, and one I find resonates with many of the people I work with.

How I work with the five stages

I do not treat the five stages as a neat sequence to move through in order. In my experience, grief is rarely that tidy.

You will likely encounter denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — but probably not in that order, and possibly more than once. Your emotions may feel jumbled, bouncing from one stage to another in ways that seem unpredictable. That is not a problem. It is simply how grief works.

What the stages offer is a map — not of where you should be, but of where you might be at any given moment. When you can name what you are experiencing, it becomes a little less frightening. That is where I can help.

There is no set timetable. For some people the most intense grief lifts after a few months. For others it takes much longer. Both are normal.

You may also find it helpful to read about the Four Stages of Grief — Bowlby and Parkes, which takes a different but complementary approach.

If you would like to talk about your grief, I’m here → Contact